sounds of waves crashing
settle the sounds in my soul
now i can reflect
sounds of waves crashing
settle the sounds in my soul
now i can reflect
Once upon a time
These secrets must stay silent
Can we talk about something?
What’s the hardest part of your manic episodes?
For me, the hardest part of my manic episodes is the transition out of them
My body picks up on it before it officially happens.
Meaning there are countless days where the smiles you see projected on the outside is nothing more than the results of an internal war.
My mind tearing itself apart, begging for a few more days of self care, light, loving others, and letting others love me.
It’s gritting my teeth at things I’ve not let bother me for the past month start to slowly make my skin crawl again.
It’s an extra 45 minutes in the bathroom trying to stop crying at the reality that I’m losing grip despite holding on with all I have.
It’s the realization that I’ve spent money on new business ventures that I most likely won’t have the will to continue by the time the items come in.
It’s the 30 day trial of this new facial routine I bought, which is actually working by the way, but knowing I’ll never finish it therefore never seeing the final results
It’s the heartbreak of knowing that my happiness is attached to a time limit that I have no control over
It’s the worry that my loved ones will think I’m a fraud, because well I guess I am.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been this shell that cares about the body it carries
I’ve been outgoing
I’ve been brave
And so how do I explain the upcoming silence, ignored texts, etc
It is starting over again and again and again
Hoping that even through the countless times you’ve seen me fall
You notice that despite it all, I’ve always gotten up again.
She gave no response
In which I heard her answer
Loud and clear. Silence
I pride myself on being an amazing mother, partner, family member, friend, human being etc.-and here’s why…
There was a point in my life where I was more angry than sad. I was sad because I was so depressed and i was angry because I truly felt like no one gave a shit. So much so that I tried to take my own life (this was years ago) and I wrote a suicide note, and turns out I kept it.
I’ll be honest I didn’t even know I kept it until I stumbled upon it yesterday digging through old journals.
And so I sat down and read it- I bawled. Y’all, I was so angry back then.
It broke my heart to read a letter I left behind for people who knew me and yet it was filled with so much anger and then there was part for Kannen and I told him that despite what anyone tried to tell him, his momma loved him.
Reading a note that was telling my son goodbye- whew, that hit different and it just…
It just really broke my heart.
My point being that as #mentalhealthawarenessmonth comes to an end, I want my family, my friends, other human beings, etc. – I just want you to know I care, I’ll always care- even when I say I don’t…I do.
I will be your vault, your shoulder to cry on, your person, your safe space-I will be what you need in the moment you need it the most.
It’s important that we remind those that we love just how much we love them.
You never know what people are going through.
I love you guys with everything I have and then some.
restraint is no match for a minced heart
i am bound by nothing except all of you
o to be tethered to your soul
i am no longer whole but a million pieces
spread me amongst the places i love
sprinkle parts of me amongst the trees and i will finally grow up
no longer am i able to fly unless you grant me wings
i am grounded
on monday, i retraced the steps that led you to me, and daydreamed into the night
on tuesday, the sun rose and set, all without the slightest movement from the sky
on wednesday, i found and dusted off old pictures of myself when i was young
on thursday, my depression dressed up and convinced me that when it came to friends, i had none
on friday, you held me tightly in your arms, forcing my anxiety into submission
on saturday, I stared in awe of what you are, so rare, a very limited edition
and on sunday, we sat in silence, and comforted each other’s tears, tears that fell for no other reason but to empty and make room for all that came packaged with the next seven days…
Hiding this heavy heart proves more difficult with each day
Laughter, in fact, does NOT cure all
I’m preparing for pain even though I’ve yet to be hurt
Like clockwork my mind works, nonstop all day
Under and overwhelmed
In and exhale
Don’t forget to breathe
It is easy to jump from A to Z when everything in between makes no sense
Body aches from pain that settled into my bones weeks ago, I am past tense
On the fence between two feelings, seems there is in fact a thin line between love and hate
Forever turned into never, infinity right side up, I am nothing but your number eight
And just in case you understood this, and even if you don’t
I looked into your eyes to try and change your mind but it looks like it won’t
I am running out of moves for this dance we do and I have no clue on what is next
Just in case I don’t finish first, just know I tried my best
Just know I gave my all
Just know I didn’t finish where I started
And no matter how you read these words
They are words from the broken hearted
I can think of everything i want to say to you
But come the time and i can not write it
Words unheard, thrown to the curb
Seems my soul has been silenced
Look in my eyes and you’ll see the signs
Promise they will guide you right in
Listen for the skipped beats of my heart
And no doubt you’ll find what I’ve been hiding
In a field full of red roses
I am black and wilted
I’ve been here a while so I hang low but still I try to get your attention
Pick me, I want to scream
But my pride won’t step aside
If you could just look past my missing petals
I swear I’m beautiful deep down inside
No hidden thorns
No buried secrets
Just longing to be grabbed by my roots
Hundreds of hands have touched them
But none of them were you
What do I do
Words have failed me
And words were all that I had left
A silenced soul nourishes nothing
But a love on its last breath
And in those final moments
Still I’ll say all is well
A love lost in words unspoken
Another story I’ll never tell
Yesterday’s news happens to be my morning headline
And my room is filled with our helvetica font
Seems an abundance of silence allows for the point to be made quickly
Leaving time for it to be made more than once
And then once more for clarity
Is this where the words go
Reality will finally greet expectation
Whatever the expectation may be
It sits quietly in the corner with no identity
Just happy to finally be here
The bathroom door opens
Here she comes
I giggled softly, how I love memories
The sunlight danced on her face and then disappeared into her eyes
How different one can look when you see them for the first time
At the front door she stood and smiled
Silence still dancing between us
Seems we were still writing our verses
And I was stuck trying to bridge the gap without falling in
Unsure of when I started moving but I ended up in front of her
Words repressed by the pressure of her lips against mine
A hello subdued with a goodbye
The lipstick stain on my lips matched that of which was on my bathroom mirror
Call me later
Two hours have gone by and still I cannot find the words…