Manic Mayhem. Can you relate?

Can we talk about something?

What’s the hardest part of your manic episodes?

For me, the hardest part of my manic episodes is the transition out of them

My body picks up on it before it officially happens.
Meaning there are countless days where the smiles you see projected on the outside is nothing more than the results of an internal war.

My mind tearing itself apart, begging for a few more days of self care, light, loving others, and letting others love me.

It’s gritting my teeth at things I’ve not let bother me for the past month start to slowly make my skin crawl again.

It’s an extra 45 minutes in the bathroom trying to stop crying at the reality that I’m losing grip despite holding on with all I have.

It’s the realization that I’ve spent money on new business ventures that I most likely won’t have the will to continue by the time the items come in.

It’s the 30 day trial of this new facial routine I bought, which is actually working by the way, but knowing I’ll never finish it therefore never seeing the final results

It’s the heartbreak of knowing that my happiness is attached to a time limit that I have no control over

It’s the worry that my loved ones will think I’m a fraud, because well I guess I am.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been this shell that cares about the body it carries
I’ve been outgoing
I’ve been brave
And so how do I explain the upcoming silence, ignored texts, etc

It is starting over again and again and again
Hoping that even through the countless times you’ve seen me fall
You notice that despite it all, I’ve always gotten up again.

It’s exhausting.

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As Mental Health Awareness Month is coming to an end…

I pride myself on being an amazing mother, partner, family member, friend, human being etc.-and here’s why…

There was a point in my life where I was more angry than sad. I was sad because I was so depressed and i was angry because I truly felt like no one gave a shit. So much so that I tried to take my own life (this was years ago) and I wrote a suicide note, and turns out I kept it.
I’ll be honest I didn’t even know I kept it until I stumbled upon it yesterday digging through old journals.

And so I sat down and read it- I bawled. Y’all, I was so angry back then.
It broke my heart to read a letter I left behind for people who knew me and yet it was filled with so much anger and then there was part for Kannen and I told him that despite what anyone tried to tell him, his momma loved him.

Reading a note that was telling my son goodbye- whew, that hit different and it just…
It just really broke my heart.

My point being that as #mentalhealthawarenessmonth comes to an end, I want my family, my friends, other human beings, etc. – I just want you to know I care, I’ll always care- even when I say I don’t…I do.

I will be your vault, your shoulder to cry on, your person, your safe space-I will be what you need in the moment you need it the most.

It’s important that we remind those that we love just how much we love them.
You never know what people are going through.

I love you guys with everything I have and then some.

✨🖤✨

seven.

on monday, i retraced the steps that led you to me, and daydreamed into the night

on tuesday, the sun rose and set, all without the slightest movement from the sky

on wednesday, i found and dusted off old pictures of myself when i was young

on thursday, my depression dressed up and convinced me that when it came to friends, i had none

on friday, you held me tightly in your arms, forcing my anxiety into submission

on saturday, I stared in awe of what you are, so rare, a very limited edition

and on sunday, we sat in silence, and comforted each other’s tears, tears that fell for no other reason but to empty and make room for all that came packaged with the next seven days…

Just in case

Hiding this heavy heart proves more difficult with each day

Laughter, in fact, does NOT cure all

I’m preparing for pain even though I’ve yet to be hurt

Like clockwork my mind works, nonstop all day

Under and overwhelmed

In and exhale

Don’t forget to breathe

Don’t leave

Please

It is easy to jump from A to Z when everything in between makes no sense

Body aches from pain that settled into my bones weeks ago, I am past tense

On the fence between two feelings, seems there is in fact a thin line between love and hate

Forever turned into never, infinity right side up, I am nothing but your number eight

And just in case you understood this, and even if you don’t

I looked into your eyes to try and change your mind but it looks like it won’t

I am running out of moves for this dance we do and I have no clue on what is next

Just in case I don’t finish first, just know I tried my best

Just know I gave my all

Just know I didn’t finish where I started

And no matter how you read these words

They are words from the broken hearted

silenced

I can think of everything i want to say to you

But come the time and i can not write it

Words unheard, thrown to the curb

Seems my soul has been silenced

Look in my eyes and you’ll see the signs

Promise they will guide you right in

Listen for the skipped beats of my heart

And no doubt you’ll find what I’ve been hiding

In a field full of red roses

I am black and wilted

I’ve been here a while so I hang low but still I try to get your attention

Pick me, I want to scream

But my pride won’t step aside

If you could just look past my missing petals

I swear I’m beautiful deep down inside

No hidden thorns

No buried secrets

Just longing to be grabbed by my roots

Hundreds of hands have touched them

But none of them were you

What do I do

Words have failed me

And words were all that I had left

A silenced soul nourishes nothing

But a love on its last breath

And in those final moments

Still I’ll say all is well

A love lost in words unspoken

Another story I’ll never tell

extra, extra. read all about us

Yesterday’s news happens to be my morning headline

And my room is filled with our helvetica font

Seems an abundance of silence allows for the point to be made quickly

Leaving time for it to be made more than once

And then once more for clarity

Is this where the words go

Reality will finally greet expectation

Whatever the expectation may be

It sits quietly in the corner with no identity

Just happy to finally be here

The bathroom door opens

Here she comes

I giggled softly, how I love memories

The sunlight danced on her face and then disappeared into her eyes

How different one can look when you see them for the first time

At the front door she stood and smiled

Silence still dancing between us

Seems we were still writing our verses

And I was stuck trying to bridge the gap without falling in

Unsure of when I started moving but I ended up in front of her

Words repressed by the pressure of her lips against mine

A hello subdued with a goodbye

The lipstick stain on my lips matched that of which was on my bathroom mirror

Call me later

Two hours have gone by and still I cannot find the words…